Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
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He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
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Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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