Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
