Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
