I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
