why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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