God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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