Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
