Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
