My pussy is not your playground.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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