I faked an abortion last night.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
