His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
