Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
