the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
