Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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