yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
