i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
