So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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