The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
