So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
