i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
okay pat passed out under dana's car
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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