dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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