Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
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Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
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Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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