sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
