The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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