the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Pooping to opera.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
