one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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