I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
