I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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