dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Randomize
