I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
