Pappa wants mamma naked
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
