i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
