I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
