If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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