u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm passing your future prison.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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