You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I think my moral compass just broke
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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