My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
