Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
