Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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