in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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