i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
