She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
