so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
His hands were made for my vagina.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
