I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize