Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
