anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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