I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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