Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
