I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
