This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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